A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure marketed toward men about the effects of pregnancy on a woman, BUT told as though it’s happening to a MAN.

Think about it: You could be brave and choose the adventure of a college boy just wanting to kick your heels up after a rough week of classes, only to get anally raped by someone twice your size who threatens to kill you if you say anything, but you wouldn’t anyway because you’re wearing your best jeans and you’ve had a couple drinks, so clearly you’re asking for it. You’re pregnant now, but every life is sacred but yours, so you end up dropping out of school because they don’t cater to pregnant men and your girlfriend leaves you because she “didn’t sign up for this.” You lose all your college friends and finally learn, at the ripe old age of 19, what a hemorrhoid is.

Or you could be less brave. You’re married, you’re not ready to have kids, but oopsie. You don’t really have the money, but you don’t have access to abortions and you have love, right? You save up what you can, but your health insurance isn’t great so you’re more spending than saving. Also, you lost a tooth. It happens. Your wife has to take a second job so she doesn’t really have time to listen to you bitch about the month of false labor pains before you actually pop the baby out–which rips you from nutsack to asshole. While the doctor is stitches you up, your wife jokes-but-no-seriously asks the doctor to sew that nutsack up really small because that’s how she likes it. The doctor does because lol.

How about a decoy? You’re married AND you’ve always wanted kids. That’s an easy adventure, right? SURPRISE you can’t have kids because of a serious but not life-threatening condition that requires medication which will make the fetus unviable, and you’re pregnant because your birth control failed. Stop taking the medicine, you’re in agony all day, every day. Keep taking the medicine, go to jail for manslaughter. What do you choose?

Okay, that’s terrible. You’re married, you’ve always wanted kids, you’re happy for this pregnancy. Then your tits fall apart, your baby fat never goes away, nor do your stretch marks, but your wife does–for a younger, hotter man. You die of Type 2 diabetes caused by gestational diabetes.

Let’s make the Choose Your Own Adventure element really fun. Have a beer? Go to jail for child abuse. Have a cigarette? Child abuse. Aspirin? Child abuse. Take your seat belt off to grab a Coke from the back seat? Child abuse. Drinking that Coke? Eh, misdemeanor. Caffeine isn’t great.

EXTREME MODE: 11 year old boy raped by his sister. Just think of–

No, you know what, I can’t even joke about that. Fuck right the fuck off, Alabama. You disgust me.

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